There is one thing you should know…and that is how to tie a pair of shoes.
1.The first and possibly trickiest part is to actually determine which shoe will be placed upon each foot. A good trick for those who struggle with this task is to look for the portion of the shoe that is slightly rounder and taller than the rest of the shoe and slip the big toe into the shoe so it aligns with this special cavity in a way that the big toe sits comfortably inside.
2. Next is a step that is rarely mentioned. It is the tightening of the laces so the foot inside the shoe is left with no wiggle room. Encase the foot inside the shoe as an ancient Egyptian would embalm a mummy in yards of linen. Do not use resin however to permanently attach the foot to the shoe as you will at some point want to take it off. Just grasp the laces, one in each hand, and pull towards your body. Be sure to keep a firm grip on the laces as you pull to avoid a black eye. This is a common side effect of shoe tying. It is the result of an over exuberant yank that releases the laces and propels the arm into the eye socket with uncharted and unexpected momentum.
3. When the foot is snug inside the shoe you will want to cross the laces across the top of the shoe. Take care to make this a symmetrical and precise cross. Some have invested in a protractor to insure the angle of the cross is at exactly 90 degrees. Also be sure that half of the remaining shoe lace is on one side and the other half is on another. Anything less will result in a shoe that is not fit to walk in.
4. Once perfect equilibrium is restored in the shoe lace department you may begin to tuck one end of the string underneath the cross and pull it securely through. In most cases the right side is favored to make the journey underneath the cross. However, if you happen to enjoy taking walks on the wild side do attempt to pull the left side of the shoe lace string through. CAUTION: the world may end.
5. If you have successfully pulled either side of the shoe string underneath the cross and the apocalypse was not triggered, you may continue on to the next step and tighten the strings once again. The grip should be as tight as the one you administered in step 2, however now you will be pulling to the sides of your body. In this case, it is wise to steer clear of the groins of those around you as they may be injured should your hand slip from the shoe lace and uncontrollably swing upwards.
6. When finished tightening form “bunny ears” with the shoe laces on either side of the show. Cross the bunny ears and loop one through the inside and then tighten. This part is easy so no further explanation is necessary.
7. Congratulate yourself, you are finished.
Without this most basic of skills you cannot move about in life. You will be unable to stroll through a maple syrup colored pile of leaves while your grandson kicks them up and then comes crashing down on them with both feet. You cannot stand on the podium and deliver your acceptance speech as mayor. Without tied shoes, no one will be able to dance at your wedding and you would not have been able to chase down the thief who stole the purse of off the shoulder of the lady who you will eventually marry. Kicking the soccer ball into the top right corner of the net will also prove impossible, thus so would winning that State Soccer Championship. It is difficult to enjoy the submarine dive that a laced up boot makes into a freshly laid pile of snow, without a laced up boot. And how are you supposed to attempt your first walk down the steps of your apartment building without holding your mother’s hand if you shoelaces are wobbling about untied? So little three year old, work on this skill. On the surface it may seem trivial and trite…but as you see, if there is only one thing that you need to know, it is how to tie a pair of shoes.
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