It is fascinating to think that around the same time as I was constructing the first blog entry events were beginning to formulate that eventually ruined something I was enjoying and put a serious damper on my weekend. However, it is not without pain and suffering that we understand the true beauty of life. After retelling countless times the story about "the incident" to a slew of friends I found such varying answers and such discrepancies amongst the advice I received that I had to take a huge step back from the situation. And talk to my mom. Nothing made me happier last weekend than having my feelings of forgiveness and peace validated. I find it so hard to do the "strong, independent girl" thing that western culture so highly values. I believe in Karma. I don't believe in anger and resentment. I want so badly to believe in the good in people and treat them well, but I find that often turns the person giving positivity into a doormat.
CHEATED ON. HE IS A CHEATER. So horrible and cruel it makes me want to cry and vomit. But something I have been saying over and over is how my initial reaction was disappointment, not rage. Sadness and an unwillingness to let the situation truly sink in. Now, being a week from it's bastard conception the incident has brought a lot of understanding into my life. I realized that in most aspects of my life I am willing to stand my ground and I understand my worth. A peculiar thing happens when I like a boy though. It can be pinpointed in a single instance, because I become selflessly committed to that person and I try to work at it instead of parting with it, and rarely do they have a clue about the bond I have entangled ourselves in. :)
I do not know if it was the Buddhism books I once read in a frenzy or my vegan diet that is making it so easy for me to move on from this. I think that right call is finally being made and I can be satisfied with the decision without any lingering "what ifs". It was been a hard week, I don't plan on crying again for a year. It is exciting to look ahead, one week brings the roller-coaster way down, another may start the ride back up. What will a year from now bring?
Olenka this was great, I think that you were right when you said "where ever you are, that's where you're meant to be." Similarly I think that what ever decision you have made, that's the right decision in the moment. Thus, brava girl, you'll be fine and content with your decisions. Also, great dinner last night, lets do it again soon!
ReplyDeleteThanks Jess...I'm starting to get into this blogging thing, very therapeutic! Our conversation was very deep for a taco stand on the side of the road... :)
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