Are you afraid to die?

I believe the old addage goes a little like this: there are only two guarantees in life- death and taxes.

Being that up to this point I have managed to escape paying taxes {(wooo for being a full time student and a full time employee, ASU was good for something...) and even had my mom's HELP in doing most of them, lets be real- I just sat there and nodded as she explained it and then she ended up doing them mostly herself anyway(shit, im more wordy than normal today} I now come to expect that death is the only sure truth in this crazy ass world we live in. That being said, how do ya'll feel about it?

A friend and I had a really amazing conversation a few months back about the millions of outlooks one can pick to use when contemplating life. Factors such as religion, upbringing, motivation, personality all came up as valid components...and then I mentioned death. What role does death play in this whole LIFE thing you may ask. It is the end of all the fun, the final curtain call, el fin. Scary right? Contemplating this over in my half shaved head I really enjoy hearing how a person views death because I can infer a lot about them through their thought process. I mean, personally, I don't really have a problem with it because lets face it people, it is the one thing that will for sure happen to each and every one of us and our loved ones. That is not to say that it is not a sad event or one that should be avoided (wear your seatbelt) but even if the even that causes the death is surprising, the idea of death should certainly not be.

My dear friend Jeremy and I started this "game" that I also ask people to play with me when I am trying to understand their "essence" and to this date it has spawned really creative and telling results. You set this up for someone, and let them at it "Imagine that a picture was taken of you at any point in your life that captures you at your most shining moment, in a sense it captures your essense/soul/personality at a point in your life you feel the most "you"...explain what i would see in that picture" sometimes it take a little prying and prodding to get the person to respond but many have surprised themselves and me with their answers. Here is a sample of real answers:
- walking into the house from a day of being a doctor to an excited bundle of children and wife to have a family dinner
-standing on top of a Mexican Indian ruin with mom, doing the rocky pose
-a three pact picture of wild youth, laughing with family, and then an adventurous retirement
-nothing (we are working on this one...)
-watching with spouse as the youngest child graduates college
Here is mine: I am walking through the bazar in Morocco, holding my youngest baby in my right hand, with my left I am holding on to my second youngest and pointing things out at the same time, there are two others running ahead and laughing. There is a certain radient glow from the sun that makes our various skin colors extra tan and a flirtacious warm breeze ruffles my long flowy dress and tangles the different textures of hair the group provides. We are walking along and enjoying the day and window shopping, not purchasing anything, just admiring the various gadgets, fruits and tapestries on sale. Surprise twist: there is no man walking with me in the picture.hmm

So I think the next game I will play will be asking people- "What are your thoughts on death?" I hope to again gain deeper knowledge about the characters around me as they answer this question. I already know my answer, but don't want to give it away quite yet. :)

It's been a hard days week.

It is fascinating to think that around the same time as I was constructing the first blog entry events were beginning to formulate that eventually ruined something I was enjoying and put a serious damper on my weekend. However, it is not without pain and suffering that we understand the true beauty of life. After retelling countless times the story about "the incident" to a slew of friends I found such varying answers and such discrepancies amongst the advice I received that I had to take a huge step back from the situation. And talk to my mom. Nothing made me happier last weekend than having my feelings of forgiveness and peace validated. I find it so hard to do the "strong, independent girl" thing that western culture so highly values. I believe in Karma. I don't believe in anger and resentment. I want so badly to believe in the good in people and treat them well, but I find that often turns the person giving positivity into a doormat.
CHEATED ON. HE IS A CHEATER. So horrible and cruel it makes me want to cry and vomit. But something I have been saying over and over is how my initial reaction was disappointment, not rage. Sadness and an unwillingness to let the situation truly sink in. Now, being a week from it's bastard conception the incident has brought a lot of understanding into my life. I realized that in most aspects of my life I am willing to stand my ground and I understand my worth. A peculiar thing happens when I like a boy though. It can be pinpointed in a single instance, because I become selflessly committed to that person and I try to work at it instead of parting with it, and rarely do they have a clue about the bond I have entangled ourselves in. :)
I do not know if it was the Buddhism books I once read in a frenzy or my vegan diet that is making it so easy for me to move on from this. I think that right call is finally being made and I can be satisfied with the decision without any lingering "what ifs". It was been a hard week, I don't plan on crying again for a year. It is exciting to look ahead, one week brings the roller-coaster way down, another may start the ride back up. What will a year from now bring?