My life right now.

Well, as I begin writing it is 9:20 pm on a Friday. I just worked from home for at least 12 hours straight. I even ate brreakfast and lunch at my desk like a good woker bee. I finished 6 hour long powerpoint presentations as well as an assessment and answer key. I feel good about my progress today. I have also allowed myself two rather full glasses of wine. I made myself a delicious and somewhat healthy dinner and I have eaten two heaping helpings. I also feel a little bit like I did the first year of TFA. Somewhat lost in a cloud of doubt about my ability to actually do this. I know what I am good at, taking notes- studying said notes and regurgitating them on paper. Thats why I loved college. It was easy. Nothing was actually applied to the real world. It is pretty scary when the CEO of the company you work for turns to you in a meeting and asks you a question and whatever you answer will change the policy. Thats a lot of power I never realized how much weight a word could have. I like the idea of being able to change the world but at 24 I dont know if I have enough knowledge/experience for a mere utterance of mine to do much good, much less change policy, schedules, training modules and the like. This job that I currently hold is taking me back to the years that I would rather soon forget. A time of internal turmoil, disspointment and a feeling like I want not good. NOT that I wasn't the best at something, but that I was not even GOOD at something. I wish to feel the same level of confidence in my abilites when I was first stepping into the Fulbright program. I was too cocky but at least I knew that wherever they put me and whatever they had me teach I could do, and do it well. I have gone from swimming laps in Korea to barely keeping myself from drowning in Kenya. After almost 2 months of being in hereI feel like I understand....it. I have met some really cool people at my workplace and they stop by to say hello to me each day, even though I rarely return the favor. I have found the people here to have a lot of flavor, a lot of zest and spark and I really like my Kenyan co-workers though I really wonder why they try to befriend a deer in the headlights girl who is furiously typing away at her computer trying to meet impossibly set deadlines. As the rush of deadlines comes and goes and I do not die from the long night or work and the stress of constant changes to the forms that I attempt to make sense out of I am comforted by a few things. First, just like with the TFA nightmare I know that this too shall pass. One day I will look back and think- WHY oh WHY did I think making 12 powerpoints to train new school managers on forms that change as often as my underware (daily, thank you very much) in a span of 2 days was a big deal. Second, I will realize that the impact I made over the course of my stay was greater than the sacrifice of staying in a few weekends and having to tell my boyfriend that he should not come up to see me on the weekend. OH yeah, amazing as it is, I actually am managing to keep a somewhat decent relationship in the works as well. He is british, a captain in the army and 6 ft 2in tall. I have plans to visit him in 4 short weeks and that is the light at the end of my deadlines tunnel. IN short- Life is harder than it was before, but not the hardest it has ever been. I am grateful for every second. Sincerely Olenka